It's the Best That I Can Do
by animalcrackers
Summary: Snape reflects back on his life and muses on why he's so cruel to his students. Please read- I promise you that this fic is different from others....well maybe not, but still please readPlease r/r!


It

It's the Best That I Can Do

(Told from the POV of S. Snape)

It's the best that I can do, to make their lives miserable. After all, mine is miserable enough. I don't think that I should have to be miserable all by myself. So I make them miserable. But anyway that you look at it, the reason I'm miserable is because of Potter. Any and everything that he does screws up my life even more, and in the end makes me more miserable. Potter is the reason for my unhappiness, if you could call it that. I don't know if I am truly human enough to even feel anything anymore. 

My parents died when I was very young, there was nothing that I could do about that, so I went to live with my Aunt Mari. Aunt Mari was a good aunt, but no replacement for parents, and try as she might, I just slipped into a depression. Eventually, she just gave up on trying to make me happy, and instead of trying to raise me, she just spoiled me with everything that money could buy. Of course her buying me _Allie's Shampoo for Extra Oily Heads _didn't help my self-esteem one bit, and in the end all of her gifts were about as useless as her. I learned to live on my own when I was young, and while most kids would go home crying to their mums and dads about how the bully at school had pushed them down, I would go home and brag to Aunt Mari about how I had pushed down five kids that day and made them all cry. I had no conscience because I had never been taught to think about other people. While on the outside I seemed like a strong, confident boy, on the inside, I was falling apart. Although I had no idea of how to treat others, there was always that little nagging voice that asked why I was doing mean things to these innocent kids. Eventually a new kid named James Crans came to my primary school. He wasn't anything amazing, but he was very strong and very tall for a third grader and soon the whole rest of my class rallied behind him in throwing insults and teasing me. He was bigger and stronger, and with nothing left to do, I crumbled and fell into an all time low. Eventually, I sank to the bottom of the social ladder, where I couldn't even walk to the market with out getting insulted or getting obscenities yelled at me. It was all very damaging to me, especially at such a young age, and I slowly grew an outer shell that no one could break through. When someone yelled at me, I would yell back, only with more vicious and crueler words. All the while, though, I sank deeper and deeper into a depression, not understanding why no body wanted to be my friend. 

That all changed when I received my Hogwarts letter though. For the first time in my life, I was happy. Well, I probably wasn't happy, I was just caught up in the hustle and bustle of getting ready for Hogwarts, but for the first time in my life, I was actually _excited _for something. I thought that I would have a fresh start, I'd get to make new friends and not get made fun of. People would learn that I really was a nice guy and that I was actually funny if they just gave me a chance. So, for the time being, I came out of my depression and was actually semi-happy. 

That semi-happy feeling quickly left me as soon as I reached Hogwarts. The people there were crueler than ever. One certain boy in particular, James Potter, was especially cruel to me. Perhaps I never gave him a complete chance, for as soon as I found out that his name was James, I knew he was bad news. To me at that age, all James' were cruel, mean , nasty and brutish. So, maybe, looking back on it, I never gave him a complete chance, but look how it turned out- he really was mean, cruel and everything else that I thought he'd be. On the other side, life was harder than before at home. No one wanted to be friends with the greasy-haired kid with the weird nose, even those in my own house, Slytherin. So, for the next three years, I fell into a deep depression and hit another low in my life. For me life was horrible, I did everything that I could to avoid Potter and his friend; I avoided breakfast, lunch and dinner getting my two friends (Narcissa Collier (a first year like me) and Lucius Malfoy (a sixth year who for some reason befriended me)) to bring me food; I made myself intentionally late to classes so that people couldn't insult me in the halls and I never did anything on the weekends, and the only way I would go outside my dormitory was if I needed a shower. My life officially became devoid of emotion and I became a walking, talking brain with a body, not feeling any emotions such as love, hate, happiness, or even misery. 

Then early in my fourth year, a rumor was started that I like Lily Evans. The fools! It was obvious that I couldn't even stand the sight of that disgusting Mudblood ( the word that Lucius so graciously taught me in my first year). I actually thought that it was pretty obvious that I like Narcissa, but nevertheless, the rumor was started and much worse, more hateful teasing ensued for that year. I think that for that year I was never truly there, I was just floating around, like an empty, hardened shell. Where I had once been getting my confidence back (thanks to Lucius who was now out of Hogwarts but kept close correspondence), I now retreated more into myself, avoiding people even more. I didn't even attend Quidditch final when Slytherin was playing (we lost only due to James Potter and his _miraculous _flying abilities), and I avoided human contact at all costs possible. I had once again reached an all time low. 

My last years at Hogwarts went by in a blur of insults, obscenities, and fights with my heart hardening with each hateful word. Soon enough, I was out and before I knew it, the war with Voldemort had started. In my head, I had two choices: I could stay on the Light Side and get laughed and insulted by Potter and his crew (who were now all aurors), or go to the Dark Side, and gain glory and power and be accepted. I even thought that I could possibly learn how to feel emotions again. So naturally, I joined Voldemort. Everyday, though, I had a growing sense of something, not a feeling of dread, but more like a premonition, so at a very weak point, Dumbledore convinced me to turn sides. I had reached another all time low. Now I was not only rejected among people in the Light Side, but my former comrades were beginning to grow feelings of mistrust for me also. I realized that if something didn't happen fast, I'd be dead, very soon as I was sure that Voldemort was getting suspicious. Then, the Potter boy destroyed him, and in so, saved my life. So now, I was in debt to two Potters. 

I have come more out of my depression lately, although I'm still not feeling anything. My heart turned black long ago and I don't think that it will ever be the same again. I do feel two feelings: misery and fear. I am fearful because now that Voldemort is resurrected, it is only a matter of time before he gets me and kills me. I am miserable because I must live out my last days teaching these ass-holes of students (including Potter). So I make them miserable. I make my students miserable with me so that they know what it is like to be me. It's the best I can do for them, it's the best thing that I can teach them not to screw up their lives like I did. Like the saying goes: Misery loves company so bring it on. 


End file.
